I Was a Boss-Ass Bitch… But the “Bitch” Part Was a Little Too Literal

I was a boss-ass bitch.

And by "bitch," I mean the kind who would throw shade so hard you'd need sunblock to survive a conversation with me.

You see, there was a time when I was the epitome of sweetness and light. Ask any of my co-workers at Xplane from back in the day. I would smile, nod, and take on every single task, no matter how unreasonable, without breaking a sweat. 

But life has a funny way of making you flip the script.

One job, in particular, made me learn the art of standing up for myself. And by art, I mean I went from being a people-pleaser to someone who would straight-up tell you, "No, I won’t do that for you, and here’s why," with zero regrets. I was tired of being the yes-woman, so I learned how to assert myself. And by assert myself, I mean I became super mean for a while.

Yep, I turned into the scary HR lady. But hey, at least I wasn’t afraid to speak up, right? Wrong. I wasn't just assertive. I was aggressive. I was a wrecking ball, swinging through meetings and leaving people terrified to ask me for anything. The line between being direct and being rude? Let's just say I bulldozed it.

Fast forward a few jobs, and guess what? That "boss-ass" energy followed me. I didn’t want to be mean, but somewhere between defending my time and calling out poor decisions, I was leaving a trail of passive-aggressive emails and awkward silences. Apparently, being direct has its limits.

I had to learn my lesson the hard way. Here’s the thing: being assertive is a superpower. But the real magic happens when you can be direct without being a jerk. And no, I’m not talking about suddenly morphing into a corporate robot who says things like, "I respectfully disagree" with zero emotion behind it. I’m talking about owning your boundaries while still treating people with respect.

So, how do you be assertive without becoming the office villain? Here are a few pointers that took me a while to figure out (so you won’t have to) because here’s the deal: assertiveness is a skill, not a weapon -- use it wisely.

Tone Is Everything

If there's one thing I learned, it’s that tone can make or break your message. You could say, “I’m really not happy about this,” and sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum, or you could say, “I’m frustrated by this situation and need to address it,” and sound like an adult. It’s all about keeping your cool. When you’re calm, clear, and collected, people won’t feel attacked. They’ll just know you’re serious. So, if you need to speak up about something, take a deep breath first. Slow down. The more you rush, the easier it is to sound snarky or defensive. A little pause can make a big difference in how your words are received.

Empathy > Aggression

You don’t need to tear people down to make your point. When I got mean, I was too busy trying to defend myself to even think about the person on the other side. I didn’t realize it at the time, but a little empathy goes a long way. Instead of thinking about how wrong the other person is, try understanding where they’re coming from. If your coworker is late with something, maybe they’re dealing with personal stuff. If they’re asking for your help last-minute, they may be struggling with their workload. You can still stand your ground while acknowledging their perspective. This makes you appear assertive and not aggressive—and you might even get some sympathy points (which could work to your advantage).

Be Kind, But Be Firm

One thing I’ve come to appreciate, it’s that you can be nice without being a pushover. You can be polite and respectful and still say, "No, that’s not something I can take on right now." No one is going to think you’re a jerk for maintaining your boundaries, as long as you’re not condescending or rude about it. I used to think I had to be super nice all the time to get ahead. But I learned that people appreciate when you’re direct because it shows confidence and clarity. You don’t need to be overly sweet, just clear and considerate. Being kind doesn’t mean you have to bend over backward for every single request.

Understand the Power of “No”

The word no is the most powerful thing in your vocabulary. But it's also the most terrifying. When I first started standing up for myself, I had this habit of apologizing before I said no. "Sorry, but I can't do that right now," I'd mumble, as though my refusal needed a preemptive apology. NO. You do not need to apologize for protecting your time. Say it clearly: "No, I can’t do that," or "I’m not able to take on that project right now." Done. No guilt. No hesitation. But here's the kicker: you don’t have to be rude about it. You can still sound firm but polite. A simple, "That’s not going to work for me right now, but thanks for asking," works wonders. You're not a robot, you're a human with a full schedule—and people should respect that.

Practice the Art of “I Need This”

Instead of just shutting things down all the time, get comfortable saying what you need. At work, this might look like, “I need this report by 5 PM today, otherwise I’ll be unable to meet my other deadlines.” Or, “I need 30 minutes of uninterrupted time in the morning to focus on X.” The key here is to be clear about your needs without sounding like a diva. It’s about laying down the law, but in a way that shows you’re not out here just stirring up trouble. You’re setting expectations, not demanding the impossible. And when people see that you’re proactive about your own time and energy, they’ll usually respect it.

Own Your Mistakes

One of the easiest ways to keep yourself from being a total jerk is to practice humility. If you mess up—admit it. “Hey, I didn’t handle that well earlier. Let me clarify what I meant.” It's not about being perfect. It's about being human and showing that you can be direct while owning up to your mistakes. This will actually make you come off as more professional, not less. People respect honesty.

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So there you have it: how to be a boss-ass bitch in the best possible way. Assertive, confident, and totally in charge—without the unnecessary meanness. I'm still practicing this art, and I still slip up on occasion, especially when things get ridiculously stressful. But I understand it's all about balance. It's possible to stand up for yourself without burning bridges, and go from "That person’s a jerk" to "Damn, they really know what they want."