Traffic Jam! The Perils of Being Too Nice at Work

During a call with my sister yesterday, she shared with me in a voice tinged with pride how she advocated for herself and asked for a raise at work. She explained that she came to the realization that no one was looking out for her best interest, so she had to do so for herself.

That call got me to thinking...

In the bustling landscape of the workplace, how you navigate your professional relationships can significantly impact your career trajectory. Just like drivers on the road, your approach can either propel you forward or cause frustrating delays. Let’s explore how being too nice at work might be slowing you down, using driving behaviors as our analogy.

Disclaimer: You may or may not agree with my assessment of the driver behaviors in each state, but it’s my observation, so just roll with it (pun intended).

California: The Assertive Driver

I learned to drive in California, and I'm so glad I did. Here, drivers are generally assertive, balancing the need for speed with a willingness to let others merge into their lane. They know their destination and navigate confidently, adapting as needed while keeping an eye on the road. They signal to merge, and they let others in. They practice proper merging behavior -- drive to the end of the merging lane, signal, then merge (never merge too early, causing serious bottlenecks).

Similarly, in a work environment, assertiveness allows you to express your ideas, advocate for yourself, and take calculated risks. When you’re assertive, you’re more likely to be recognized for your contributions and can influence decisions that align with your goals.

Reintroducing you to my sister: a CNA at an after-care facility. She's been with the company for around three years, consistently delivering high-quality work, taking initiative beyond her job scope, and even training others. Her contributions have not gone unnoticed by her colleagues -- everyone knows she is a valuable asset to the team. However, despite all her accomplishments, my sister has never asked for a promotion or pay increase. Why? Because she is the nice gal. She doesn't want to come off as pushy or greedy, and she's always felt that her hard work should speak for itself. In her mind, if management thought she deserved a raise, they would give it to her without her having to ask. Months go by. My sister watches some of her coworkers, even those with less experience, get pay raises. She's happy for them, but deep down, she can't help but feel frustrated. She's been doing the work of a senior CNA for a while now, but her title and paycheck don't reflect that. Still, my sister convinces herself that asking for more would seem ungrateful or demanding. Plus, she doesn't want to disrupt the positive relationships she has with her manager by bringing up uncomfortable topics like money. More months go by. Frustrated, my sister finally musters the courage to talk to her manager, who is sympathetic and acknowledges all her hard work. and gives her the much-deserved pay raise she was seeking. Her assertiveness paid off, literally. The lesson she learned is that sometimes you have to advocate for yourself and make your value known. I'm so proud of her.

Utah: The Aggressive Driver

Utah, I love so many things about you, but your drivers are not one of them. In Utah, where I moved to attend university, I encountered a different breed of driver: the aggressive, self-focused type. Let's not go into the amount of Xanax I consumed due to my daily white-knuckled commute on I-15 because of the Utah drivers. They should all be required to spend a day in traffic school. No joke, I once saw a driver reverse down an interstate off-ramp. And don't even get me started on all the drivers who set their cruise control to exactly the speed limit then cruise in the passing lane, forcing other drivers to pass them on the right. They speed ahead, tailgate, and swerve through multiple lanes of traffic, often oblivious to the needs of others, driving in their own bubble.

In the workplace, this behavior can lead to conflicts and a lack of team cohesion. While being assertive is essential, crossing into aggression can alienate colleagues and create a toxic atmosphere. Finding the right balance is crucial for fostering relationships that drive collective success.

Meet James, a talented project manager known for his expertise and attention to detail. Recently, James has embraced the importance of setting boundaries, inspired by advice to prioritize personal well-being and prevent burnout. However, this newfound assertiveness has taken a turn. In a team meeting, James' colleague, Alex, requests assistance on a project deadline that is fast approaching. Knowing he has his own workload to manage, James responds with a firm, “No, I can't help you. I have my own tasks to complete, and I’m not taking on extra work.” While James' intent is to protect his time, the delivery comes off as curt and dismissive. Alex is taken aback, feeling unsupported and frustrated. Instead of fostering collaboration, Jamie’s response has created tension in the team. Later that week, during a brainstorming session, James refuses to consider any ideas that fall outside his specific vision for a project. When teammates suggest alternative approaches, James interrupts, saying, “That’s not what we’re doing. Let’s stick to my plan.” This inflexibility makes colleagues feel undervalued and hesitant to share their thoughts. Then Friday comes along, and the team organizes a social outing to build camaraderie. James declines the invitation without a second thought, saying, “I don’t see the point of team-building exercises. I’d rather work on my projects." This attitude reinforces a perception that James is more focused on his individual tasks than team cohesion. While James' intention to set boundaries is commendable, his approach has turned into stubbornness, making him appear rude and unapproachable. Colleagues now view James as an isolating force, which ultimately hampers teamwork and collaboration. Instead of being a reliable team player, James' rigid adherence to boundaries has led to resentment and reduced morale within the group.

Oregon: The Passive Driver

When I started my HR career and moved to Oregon, I came across the most passive drivers I'd ever encountered. They are incredibly nice, yielding for every pedestrian (a good thing), but often overthinking their decisions and hesitating at four-way intersections (Is it my turn? Oh, you just go ahead). This tendency to be overly accommodating can lead to traffic jams—

Not just on the road but in the workplace too. When you’re too nice, you may struggle to assert your opinions or advocate for your needs, causing delays in decision-making and hindering your career progression, and even that of others.

Imagine this: Sarah, a marketing manager at a mid-sized company, leads a small team that includes Jake, a junior associate who’s been struggling with campaign reports filled with critical errors. Believing that encouragement is the best motivation, Sarah focuses solely on Jake’s positives and avoids giving negative feedback, thinking it keeps morale high. However, months pass without improvement in Jake’s work. His mistakes frustrate the team, who must correct his errors, and he remains unaware of his shortcomings because Sarah hasn’t provided any constructive criticism. When a high-profile project suffers due to Jake’s errors, Sarah's credibility comes under fire, and she is forced to confront Jake. He is blindsided by her sudden feedback. Feeling betrayed and embarrassed, Jake realizes his reputation is at stake. Through this experience, Sarah learns that being a supportive leader isn’t just about being nice; it’s about providing honest, constructive feedback that fosters growth for her team and the company.

The Traffic Jam of Being Too Nice

Being overly nice can manifest in various ways: avoiding difficult conversations, agreeing to take on extra work without compensation, hesitating in providing constructive feedback, or failing to voice your ideas during meetings. While it’s essential to be kind and considerate, it’s equally important to be clear and direct about your boundaries and aspirations. Just as passive drivers contribute to gridlock, so too can overly accommodating employees hinder their progress and that of their team.

Finding the Balance

To navigate your career more effectively, aim to channel your inner California driver. Be assertive but not aggressive. Cultivate the ability to express your needs and opinions while still being respectful of others. Here are some strategies to strike that balance:

Set Clear Boundaries: Know when to say no. It’s okay to prioritize your workload and personal time.
Practice Assertive Communication: Use "I" statements to express your thoughts and feelings confidently, without undermining others.
Seek Feedback: Regularly check in with colleagues to ensure your contributions are valued and that you’re being heard.
Be Open to Collaboration: Share your ideas and encourage others to do the same, fostering an environment where everyone feels empowered to contribute.

Moral of the Story

In the end, the road to professional success is much like driving a busy interstate highway: it requires a mix of assertiveness, awareness, and collaboration. By avoiding the pitfalls of being too nice, you can navigate your career with confidence and clarity. So, the next time you find yourself hesitating to speak up or overly accommodating others, remember to avoid the traffic jams of Oregon. It’s time to shift gears and drive your career forward!

Photo Credit: Adrian Dascal via Unsplash